Itachi: Though She Loved Me
by departed-ghost
Summary: He was not allowed to love. Everyone expected him to be something he was not. But he fell in love. And that love cost him something so very dear and close to him. Based on the song LET ME GO, this story is about Itachi's love. Enjoy and please review!


**Let Me Go: Itachi's Reasons**

By: Courtney Jemison 4.28.06

I once thought that this world would let me stay with her. But I finally figured out that what was really there all along. I had forgotten what she meant to me. But then... then she left. And I realized that she didn't even know who I was. Though she loved me, she had no idea ...

"Itachi! Where are you going?" She said my name loud enough to make me smile. But I didn't let you see that.

"I have a meeting to go to. I'll see you later." She shrugged giving me one of her disapproving, looks.

"Hurry back you understand!" she said grinning

I turned away from her. No wanting her to see the glad look upon my face. Besides my brother she was the only thing good in my life. Not the awards not the medals not being the greatest. I wouldn't admit it at the time but I had loved her. So utterly so. She was my life. But I hadn't known it back then. No one did.

The path to the secret Village Meeting was to be held that night in an "abandon" hut just located on the edge of the Great Wall. I hadn't wanted to go. But I couldn't have told my father that. Nor could I let any of them down. I sighed, but kept walking.

Life seemed to hold a similar pattern. Wake up, do this for someone or do that, Attend Advance classes, help those in head of the Village, eat, practice fighting technics, eat, see a little of her, then go back to bed. Only to wake up and do it all over again.

And I was getting bored.

With the same routine over and over and over again. Nothing could seem to fill the void. And I was beginning to think of ways to change that. But, of course that is another story. This tale is about a special girl that I loved. What I did to her. And in return what she did for me.

No one knew of our growing attraction. Not even my brother. And I told him almost everything. Or, well, I did.

Back to the meeting. I decided that I would skip out. I mean who would really care? I just wanted to see my lady and I wasn't getting to do that by wasting time going to the stupid meeting. I back tracked working my way to the Village. I wanted to see her so badly that a smile played on my face. I felt as if I could skip or dance or hum a marry little tune. But I didn't. Years of practiced emotions. The only one that I could feel was nothingness. Absolute uncaring.

When I got to her small two bedroom hut I could see that the light in her window was on. I knew this was her bed room because I had come to watch her sleep when I couldn't myself. And how wonderful she slept. She was sitting on her bed with a candle burning on the stand next to it. She seemed almost engrossed into the book. I smiled slightly but the thought of happiness soon faded. How could I feel like this? Right now. When all I wanted to do, no, what everyone else wanted me to do was to fight, win, and be in control, to be the best. But I didn't want that.

I wanted her.

She jumped when I knocked on her window. But smiled when she saw that it was me. I wasn't sure at the time what the meant. But looking back at it now I realize that love was started to form in my forgotten soul. And at the time that frightened me.

"Come." I said to her when she opened the window.

"Itachi I can't mother and father would be very upset with me if they found out I was sneaking out! And with a boy none the less!" She began to giggle softly. The sound was so lovely.

"Please." I pleaded.

She began then to frown. "What is wrong?"

"I need to talk with you, but not here." I held my hand out to her. "Come."

She nodded her head slightly. I could see the battle in her eyes. Coming with me at the risk of ruening her reputation or live in mystery of what I wanted to talk to her about. My women loved thrill and was as curios as a kitten. For that I loved her even more. But I wouldn't say that to myself or to her or to anyone else.

"Where are we going." She asked when she was safely upon the ground beside me.

I had the sudden urge to pull her close and kiss her hard. To take back control of this strange emotion I, instead, pulled on her arm with fiery, leading her down a path away from the village. I was frustrated with myself. Not with her. Never with her.

After we were far away from the village. I pushed her against a tall wide tree. She gasped, and all I wanted was to comfort her. But I lacked even that emotion. I instead placed my hand under her chin. Tilting her head backwards. She glared up at me. She was scared I could tell. But despite that she was angry. And I envied that. My other hand found a soft spot on her neck. Tracing it ever so slowly.

Confusion and then pleasure crossed over her face.

I was glad of that but didn't understand it.

I pushed my knees on her legs. Forcing her to still. Making her motionless. Not able to move. My head began to lower to hers. I stared into her eyes. And she stared at my lips. Sweat began to form on my brow.

Oh! How I loved her! The things she had made me feel. I couldn't get enough of it. Her chin began to shutter. I wanted to calm her. But I didn't know how. So I kissed her. It was the most pleasant thing I have ever felt. I wanted more. So much more.

Her lips began to move on mine. Demanding and questioning me. And I answered as best I could. She wrapped her arms around my neck. Forcing me even closer. Her tongue touched my bottom lip in hesitance. But I didn't want that. I plunged my own tongue into her mouth. She tasted of sweet whine and strawberries. I kissed the corner of her mouth. I kissed her small ears. She began to shake. From desire or lust I didn't know. But oh god had I wanted to find out. I captured her wondering hands in one of my own. Placing them above her head. She grunted in no but I only smiled. I didn't think about it. It just kind of happened. My smile brightened.

She sighed when seeing it. My eyes widen. I let go of her hands. And they fall almost lifelessly back to her sides. I step away from her.

"No Itachi!" She flung herself onto me. Tightly grabbing my shirt. "Please don't stop! Please!"

I pushed her away from me. She began to cry.

"Why are you doing this to me?" she demanded. "You bring me out here at night. Saying that you needed to talk about something. Making it sound so important." Tears streamed freely down her red angered cheeks. "You start to kiss me, then push me away! Why Itachi? Why are you doing this?" She stepped forward and began to pound on my chest. I frown at her effort. She realizes it's no good. That I can't even feel it. So she buries her head on my chest. Grabbing pieces of my shirt in her clenched fist.

"I hate you." She whispers gently. But I just knew it wasn't true. I knew that she loved me. And that she was fighting it just like I was. That must have been my undoing. I didn't want her to carry a grudge. I just wanted... I wanted... acceptance.

I wanted her to know me without explaining. I wanted to show her without telling. I wanted to love her for the rest of my life without... the pain And so again I push her. She falls to the ground. Before she can even think to get up I pressed myself on top of her. She glared at me.

"Get off damn-it!" She started to try and shake me off.

I pushed my body on hers. Forcing her to stop. Leaning forward I whispered into her ear. "I can't, I'm sorry but I just can't" She stared at me with question in her eyes. But she didn't try again to throw me off. And I took courage from that. From her.

"You love me." I began to say. "But you don't even know who I am." I give her a little kiss on the forehead. "I'm torn between this life I lead and were I stand here now with you.. I can't figure out my emotions because I've never had any before. And you confuse me with you attempts to save me. When I already know that, that's impossible. I care for you so deeply but I don't know how to tell you that. I scare you when that's the last thing I would ever want to do. I want to love you but I don't think I can. I just want you to know me. But I can't tell you anything about me. I want you to know my most deepest secret but I can never voice them. Why do you frighten me when I have never shook so? Why do you tear at my heart when I thought I hadn't one? Why?" It was the most I had ever said to anyone. She could see that and couldn't understand. I had wanted to shake her. Make her afraid of me just so she would run away and I would then feel normal. But she wouldn't run away, I wouldn't let her.

"Itachi...I ... I love you so much." I knew she wanted to say more. When she said nothing else so I spoke again.

"How can this love be a good thing" I asked her. "When I am the only one who knows what I'm going through? In my mind there seems only to be you and now" I shake my head thinking about what I had just said. "This world falls on me and I can't escape it, but in this... universe ... there can only be real and make believe and...you seems so real to me. Why wont you let go like all the rest? No matter how hard I try I can't escape these things inside of me. All the pieces are starting to fall apart You'll be the only one who knows. You'll be the only one to understand. And I want to hate you for that. But I can't no matter how hard I try and deny my feelings. I want it to be love, but somewhere inside of me I know it can't be true."

She just stared at me. "Itachi... let me love you."

"You don't know -"

"That doesn't matter! Why can't you see that! Look around you Itachi! What can't you notice? I am here I'm I not? I love you, so I have said. But if you can't love me YOU let me go! Because I CANNOT leave you otherwise! I can't, because you have trapped me! Tangled me into a web of confusion! And I HATE you for THAT! I hate you so much that it hurts... it hurts so much! I don't know what is true and what is all fake!" she took a deep breath. "Your right," she said after a pause "I don't know who you are. And if you don't want to tell me... than so be it!"

"One more kiss could be the best thing" I say getting closer to her open mouth. "Or one more lie could be the worst." I smile at her "All these thoughts are never resting when I am around you." With a frown I lean closer and closer until our lips are barley touching. "And your not something I deserve" she thrusts her head upwards. And our lips lock. She rests her hands on my back. As my arms lay on either side of her head. I breath in deeply when we pause to take a short breath, she smelt to me of clean rain water and roses. "Will you let me love you?"

She smiles at me in a way that she never had before, no one ever had . Almost it seemed in understanding, but teasing ever slightly. And it made me so giddy

"No." she says grinning. "I can't love you ... not until you make love to me." She ran her hands over my back to make her point.

I smiled at her again.

All I wanted was to keep smiling at her for the rest of our lives.

And I was wrong. About the fact that people wouldn't have missed me at the meeting. A few of the members came to my house. Demanding answer. Answers that I was NOT going to give them. I acted so cold and heartless. But I didn't want anyone to know about my love. I couldn't love. I wasn't allowed to. But I didn't want to listen to anyone any more. All I wanted to do was to please her. That's all that really mattered. Or so I thought.

I went to see her again that night. And again we snuck out of her small house into the woods. We talked about life and what we wanted from it. Then we made love under the stars. I had walked her back to her house. And again she told me that she loved me. And I had wanted to say it back to her, but we both knew that I couldn't. Not yet.

My life seemed to revolve on that moment when we would meet again at night. It was all that I could think about. Until one day. When I new club wanted me to join, I had agreed without really thinking about it. The initiation was mostly one thing that didn't even cross my mind. I hadn't realized at the time that these people were not all that good. That something was utterly wrong with all of them.

"You have to go and kill one of the Uchiha members." They said to me. "Someone who is part of the head council. Only then will you be able to join us." I knew that my father would never give his consult for me to join this group. That must have been one of the reasons behind me agreeing to it. And plus I really just wanted to show off for my new found love.

We had planed out everything perfectly. The other members would surround themselves around a Head Leaders house. I would sneak in and slit his throat. So innocent. What I didn't expect was that My loves father was one of the guards, and that he would so thoughtlessly try and protect the Head Leader. But when he screamed when one of the other members of cut him down, was the worst surprise. My loves mother had been coming to offer her husband some coffee to keep him awake for the night watch. When she had heard her husbands scream she came running. I tried to tell the other members of the group to stop. But they wouldn't listen. I could see the blood lust in their eyes. What I didn't expect at all though was that My love had come with her mother. I had to do something quick. Slay the mother to silence her or run away and be shamed when it all came crashing down. I raised my sword.

I could tell by the look in her eyes she hadn't been thinking. That she had jumped in front of the blade in reaction. To save her mother. From what I was going to do to her. I saw the pain in her eyes. And so it became my own. I dropped my bloodied sword. It clacked as it hit the floor. I fell to my knees beside my dying love.

"Itachi..." she could barely speak. Tears streamed down my ashen face. I tried to brush them back but they kept flowing freely. "I...I..." her eyes began to shut. I grabbed on to her shoulders.

"DON'T DIE, I am so sorry! So sorry..." I laid my head on her chest. Her heart seemed to grow fainter with each passing second.

"I... forgive... you." She began to chock for air. "I'm... I'm pregnant ..." she tried to smile at me. But fail when a wave of pain over came her. My mouth had fallen open, my salty tears spilled onto my tongue. I held her as close as I dared to.

"I LOVE YOU, DON'T DIE! Please don't die..." I shouted it was all the air in my lungs. But still with a shaky hand she raised it to my pale face.

"Never... forget me." She asked breathless.

I shook my head. "NO! Please don't go...please don't ...I love you, you can't die" But she had. For her hand fell motionless to the floor. I took her into my arms. Held her so tightly. And screamed. I had such rage in me. I was so discussed with myself. So disturbed. I held her like that until my skin was soaked with blood. But still I couldn't seem to let go. All the emotions of the past bubbled over.

I picked up my crimson sword. Vowing never to use it or any other ever again. I stood, anyone that I saw I killed. Murdered on the spot. Looking for some release for all the rage. None came. I kept seeing my face on every victim.. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to die

It wasn't until I stood over the bodies of my parents that I realized what I had done. And poor little Sasuke. I couldn't hear what he was saying. For I was off on some distance time and place. But the thought came to me. My love wouldn't want me to kill myself. For that was definitely on my mind, but someone could kill me. I looked over Sasuke then. And inspiration hit. He was upset, as he should have been. And he was asking me why I did what I did. To provoke him I answered.

"I just wanted to test my strength." I had to do something more, to imprint my disgrace into my little brothers mind. So I stared at him. With a swirl of blackness I watched as Sasuke relived the moment when he walked in to the village and saw the first person dead. Then another and another. And then bodies upon bodies. When I let him go after seeing his, our, dead parents he began to shake "Live your life," I told him after seeing the disdain in his eyes "full of anger and hatred and to avenge the Uchiha clan by becoming strong and killing me." With that I walked away. Away from the life I had. Or what I didn't.

I went back and took her body. Taking it deep in the forest. And underneath a blooming cherry tree I dug a hole and laid her there. With my bare hands I began to cover her with the rich dark brown soil. Soon, I thought, soon my love I will see you again

You loved me but you didn't know who I was

So I let you go...


End file.
